I’m not happy
It’s been four years since I fell into a state of depression and dug the largest metaphorical hole for myself that I never thought I’d crawl out of.
I had just gotten out of a relationship. Being young and stupid, it was a relationship that I thought would last a long time. I knew she was someone special. To this day, I still think she is, but that is another story for another time. All I know is that she supported me when no one else did. She was, without a doubt, one of the greatest things to ever happen in my life. She taught me so much and changed my life drastically. Without her, I don’t think I would’ve changed for the better. My health greatly improved. I got into exercising and was in shape. I was turning around the life that I had failed so horribly at in high school. I was invincible. Until it was over.
All good things must come to an end has never rung truer. And for me..way too soon. My happiness hardly lasted a year. After it ended, I soon fell into a slump. I had no motivation or interest to do anything and everything in my life suffered. I made horrible choices, turned to binge eating, lost almost everyone important in my life, my health deteriorated, I became addicted to cigarettes and alcohol, and worst of all, I didn’t care about school. I just simply couldn’t move on. I never found closure and to this day, still wonder if I will. I dream of the day where we will meet again do things can finally be settled for my sake.
After a year and a half of being a total loser, reality hit me. I was back to being overweight. I didn’t sleep. My GPA dropped below to almost a 2.0 (maybe even lower). I hated myself. I was going nowhere and had no interest in doing so. It took me nearly two years to realize what I had become and no clue how to fix myself. I had to do something. I couldn’t continue being the disappointment that I used to be when I was younger. I’ve never felt so ashamed of myself.
So I tried to take things slow. Just one step at a time. It’s all I could have done. “Let me at least get back on track with my education.” That was my thought. The hardest year of my life just trying to raise my GPA to an acceptable minimum for any university to accept me is one of the biggest accomplishments I’ve made. The sheer fact I was able to it still astonishes me. I still walk around campus in disbelief. I was finally good enough to be accepted somewhere. I did it, and I thought this would be the start of everything turning around.
Now it’s 2014, almost a full semester at CSULB has passed and I am still not happy. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I became. I’m still extremely out of shape and I hate myself for this. I’m still suffering from the repercussions of these past three years and I’m having so much trouble just dragging my fat and lazy ass to the gym. I practically lost everyone in my life that I used to be close with and I wonder everyday just who’s really there for me. I’ve turned from someone who thrives on a social environment and extrovert lifestyle to a lonely, reserved introvert who just wants to be alone and away from the world (not saying it’s a bad thing but it just feels..different and I don’t like it). It’s become the most difficult struggle to find new friends and people who will stick around that it’s just better to not bother with any of it. School just feels like a boring chore and I’m just working closer to getting a expensive piece of a paper that will be of absolute no use to me. I just find it all meaningless.
I have no one to blame myself for what has happened to me/how I feel, and this is a post to remind myself of all this.
This is also a desperate call to everyone and anyone who knows me on a personal level. Please help me. Help me turn my life around 100%. I want to get back in shape, I want to feel like I’m accomplishing something in life again. I want to graduate with a real smile on my face rather than a apathetic mood. I want to be happy again. I never reach out for assistance, so please, help me. I need all of your support more than ever. Please do whatever it takes to assist me. And by assist, I mean take action. Words can only do so much.
Thanks for reading.
P,S, - For the few who are in my life right now that I communicate with on a daily basis, I am forever grateful for your presence on my life. Please continue being the greatest people I will ever have in my life.